i'm surrounded by gay midgets. not sure if i'm bragging or asking you to come rescue me. wait for follow up.
We should have parties more often. I ended up with 90 beers and someone cleaned my toilet.
look. either you want to have late night naked sleep overs or you don't. do not involve dinner and extraneous conversations in this relationship.
Please stop using the dehumidifier for your weed.
There are too many people on this bus for it to be even REMOTELY okay that I'm wearing a puke covered sweater
Dude. Remember the only two rules I set for that? Always have a sober friend and don't do drugs with a fat chick.
so, she was so drunk she tried stabbing me with a corn dog stick
If I don't go to Australia I'm using that towards a new car. If I do I'll use it to buy a koala.
I wish buying curtains was as easy as buying drugs. I already KNOW what I want and what the outcome will be: awesome.
How the hell does my fucking boss know about the goddamned magician I fucked?!?
If TJ is short for Trader Joe, I'm gonna fuck him
Question: When you have the names of 4 guys tattoo'd on you, how do you make the 5th one real special?
I asked him to get me another beer, and he started making muffins.
I could be the Kenny Powers of Sex Therapists.
I wasn’t trying, but work got a lot easier and more fun once he starred flirting with me and looking at my ass
Randomize
