just ask for directions from a guy with a penis drawn on his window
Talk about awkward... Just went to dinner with my mother and realized I fucked our waiter the night before. She HAD to see the looks he was giving me!
I just peed in the Schreyer honors college shrubbery. Thanks honors students, you're finally good for something
I'm covered in pickle juice. Why do you people leave me alone?
I'm okay.. I had a good heart to heart with the cab driver Raheem - it's going to be our year.
I would totes be making out with random people in the name of america if I was at the white house right now
We had a pillow fight. It looks like an angel exploded here. A DRUNK ALCOHOLIC ANGEL
So what's today's forecast for the female rollercoaster you've been riding?
Dear god. Please. Please do NOT deprive yourself of dick for 90 days. Blood will spill. Wolverines will howl. I can't handle that kind of terror.
I shaved my legs and got a bikini wax, I don't care what I take home as long as it has a penis
I just realized in a weird reversed way I hustled a stripper last night
Well I finally got to say all the things I wanted to say. Including telling him he looks like a naked mole rat
Our relationship revolved around Taylor Swift albums. It's no wonder it ended so fast
I legit just quacked out loud at a duck on campus. Realized after that there were people around me, they looked at me funny...
Setting myself up for trouble? Yes. But getting laid is a lot more important at this time.
Randomize
