I have the sudden urge to buy a Snuggie and wear it to the grocery store.
I'm waiting for seagulls to eat this throw up
I just saw a San Diego firetruck. No wonder they can't figure out how to fight wildfires if they get so fucking lost they end up in Nebraska.
apparently vodka and oj turns green when you throw it up
basic color theory
This concert is like a reunion of all my bad sex.
he told my vagina that he was looking forward to meet it
either she said she was feeling frisky or eating friskies..i was too drunk to understand.
I just did the nutritional comparison between 2% milk and Bud Light Lime.. the beer had less calories, less carbs, and less fat. It's not looking good for milk in my life anymore
Seriously. You just grinded your ass all over the heisman trophy's dick. I want you to think about that.
The best part about passing out on the floor was the fact that when I pissed myself, I didn't piss the bed again.
All three of my roommates have their significant others over. We're all hanging out in the living room. It's like I'm the trifecta of third-wheeling
Take home message: SPERM IS EVIL AND SHOULD NEVER EVER EVER BE ALLOWED UP ONE'S NOSE.
I JUST SAW MY THERAPIST OUTSIDE OF WORK AND I DONT KNOW THE ADULT THING TO DO
It threw me off a little. I had to take a moment and ask myself, "Is he really fingering me in his mom's kitchen while I eat a whopper?"
Listen gotta draw the line somewhere. Apparently that line is at my nuts.
Randomize
