3:12 am: but i thought i was coming over tonight, don't fall asleep i wore new underwear
You just got cockblocked by Conan O'Brien.
I was in holding with a guy that got a DUI on a hover round. He was so nice. We're hanging out tonight.
Dude i thought about you literally the second after I came. This friendship is starting to cross some serious boundaries
We sat on the porch laughing about hilarious the sunrise was. And that we can do drugs again in the morning, thank god
I judge a person on how well they respect their vaginas... I can tell by the lack of respect she has for hers I dislike her.
It's like some sort of initiation to finger one of them... so I did it. And got high fived afterwards like a dozen times.
Those were right hand only?
Drunk dialed the ex last nigh; turns out I miss dialed. The stranger who answered played along and apologized for sleeping with my cousin. She sent me a txt this morning to let me know.
Kindest stranger ever. Marry that girl.
She just texted me apologizing for taking selfies on my phone then asked me to send them to her
If your find a 12 pack on your doorstep consider it a gentleman's agreement to never speak of that night again
I just came so hard I growled. Definitely found my gspot.
unless you have a dick and you were thinking of chopping that off
I'm at my friends house alone, she's at spin class so I'm wearing her engagement ring and eating buffalo wings. It's 9:30am. Happy Valentine's Day.
I cannot pick him out of a line up. I remember he is blonde and his half flaccid dick looks like gonzo. So unless he pulls down his pants I don't know who he is
I found my bra I wore on Friday night...he fucked the underwire out of it
hahahahaha
Randomize
