I accidently shit my pants. So I tried to throw my underwear in their lake, but they floated. So in the middle of the night, I got into the paddle boat and had to throw a rock on top of them so they would sink. Next time, I just won't shit myself.
Just met a guy who has been in college for 7 years and still classified as a junior. Then watched him shotgun 10 beers. Found my new hero
I woke up this morning to 7 word documents that all said "remember to be extremely angry at your jerk of a brother." What the hell did you do to me last night?
my phone calendar just alerted me that it's "weed time" in 15 minutes. do not remember setting that alert last night...
I kept grabbing at Stephanie's boobs because I thought the leopard spots on her dress were popcorn.
I wish they had an "I'm Stoned" genre on online Netflix
Dude I'm looking through my old high school year book and I circled every girl I fucked.. what was wrong with me.
Did you guys have sex yet? And don't worry, I broke the ice already by sending this to both of you. So you can just jump right into it. You're welcome.
I even tried crushing up viagra and putting it in his beer... And the next day he found the package on the counter. I told him it was for my friends husband.
The only pictures I have are of me being stoned or me looking like a man, which do you prefer?
I was just thinking about our drunk conversation about having sex with elephants the other night. Love you bud. Stay strong.
well I got an eye infection from a stripper motorboating me but overall it was a great weekend
I did a trust fall off the bar and then almost got into a knife fight over a push up competition. Just another Tuesday.
I just puked in a chili’s bathroom... happy birthday to me
You went into the bathroom, got in the tub with a pillow, yelled "this isn't as comfortable as it looks in the movies" then passed out
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