i took a field sobriety test yesterday. a crowd gathered, watched me pass it and applauded. then the cops arrested me because i took a bow and fell over.
Pretending to care to care about playoffs in exchange for free shots. I'm sorry in advance.
Just left some random in my bed to go get mcdonalds breakfast. I'd say my priorities are on point.
While at warped tour today a girl was crowd surfing and her vagina landed in my face, I call that a successfull day.
she smells like cat throw up and cupcakes. i'm trying to focus on the cupcakes but it's really. hard.
3 months til "no sober october" start prepping now. i cant have you bitch out on me halfway through like last year.
Wow way to turn my death into an oppurtunity to get laid
Today has been the most awkward masturbatory day of my life. Possibly even more awkward than when my mom found my vibrator on Mother's Day.
I should start prefacing bondage with girls saying "I know you've read 50 Shades, but there is a 33% you're gonna freakout and go home, while I jerk it alone"
I did a kegel this morning to determine if I had been penetrated during last night's blackout. Nope.
The fake number she gave me was for Pappa John's. Now I have a large pepperoni on the way.
Sorry for cyberstalking your dad.
i'm gonna crowd surf you onto his dick
did i get sucker punched in the face last night or was our make-out session just that intense?
WE JUST PASSED A FUCKING SPACE SHIP! NOT JOKING! A REAL FUCKING SPACE SHIP! THIS IS NOT THE DRUGS! SPACE! SHIP!
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