u sent me just one boob. one just doesnt do it for me. u dont get full on a half a rack of ribs u need a full one
Oscar is the man. He keeps getting pictures of hot nude women with messages in spanish saying "i hope you like it" sent to his phone
whose oscar?
the baller who i guess decided to give out a fake number at the bar last weekend. luckily that fake number was mine. i have enough porn to last me until next month.
I remember her trying to talk to me a few times after we broke up and I'd always change the subject to bagels.
You were peeing on yourself thinking it was the sprinkler in your yard
I had to convince you not to write "happy birthday to the first guy who fingered me" on his facebook wall, right above the post from his current girlfriend's mother.
So i learned you can't hair-of-a-dog jaeger hangovers.
I vaguely remember chanting "USA" at the pool when we were talking to the Frenchies.
We were pointing at fat people and chanting USA.
I feel like after that many guys, all of the water in your body is just replaced with pure jizz, honestly.
He told me he loved me and then asked if we could have sex in the snow
You are right. The scrape marks on her ass are from her breaking the doggy door by crawling through it.
He got completely naked and is now just standee there next to my bed poking at my hamster. Why can't I get sex the normal way.
Weed is now completely legal in Colorado and Washington. I repeat weed is now legal! I'm putting a deposit down on a house as we speak.
ROADTRIP.
She's passed out laying in the middle of the street. Cars are honking at her and going around her body. We need to stop playing BONECRUSHER.
The walk of shame was so much longer today. i have to start fucking guys in my own postcode.
Drunk me is having trouble keeping up with sober me's standards
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