OMG Im so trashed fishy! im sitting hereon my bed wif mcdonalds n i look like david hasselhoff!!!!!! kill me now
There need to be more gay people on my afternoon soaps.
Another night, another sound of my neighbor almost having an orgasm.
And she used to have such long ones. Sad.
one of my coworkers is shitshow drunk, getting naked. she's about to ride the bull.
i was just going to ask if it would be cool for me to come and have a beer...
it's total chaos here. i may ride the bull... i'll be visible.
It doesn't count as drinking alone if you're making rum cake with it.
We are lost and the only things we have are peanut brittle, cookies and vodka. I think we'll make it.
Well it's been 24 hours and I still feel like a mammoth sat on my balls
She's just done the monthly not prego dance around our kitchen
I tore the muscle in my left calf at the gym and still spent all evening in heels. UNSTOPPABLE!
I just realized I slept with a guy who used the pickup line "do you have a bandaid? I skinned my knee when I fell for you."
Do you congratulate someone for having bigger tits, or is that a no no?
My mom is selling her car. I'm secretly relieved I won't ever have to tell her about that time you puked in it
She bit my shoulder during foreplay last night, and it's already infected. I think she has rabies.
I think I may be going on too many job interviews. I've started to bring up Shonda Rhimes in my interview answers.
This is why we can never be just regular friends. The shit we do is not regular
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