Hahaha figures, hmm should I spank you? Or throw a cow at you?
the ugly redhead just came into the bar, wearing a sombrero...by herself... who is going to tell her that its not cool to throw themed parties when you're the only guest?
just saw a midget ride a motorized cooler into the liquor store. i'm gonna follow him home.
I want to be ashamed of the things we do this weekend
walked into class wearing my zorro costume. some girl just said "oh my god, i fucked zorro this weekend." I found her.
Just so you know, this text is a buffer between the two guys I'm sexting. Can't get that shit messed up.
Will you please bring your dog over today? Apparently I was drunkenly cooking last night. There's food everywhere. I'm too hungover to clean.
Was almost hungover and got scared, skipped hungover, back to hammered. Fuck real life
Thanks to a poorly written tweet a whole bunch of people thought I died last night.
He tried to tell me that he could handle his liquor better than "all the bitches in this town." AS HE THREW UP. ALL. OVER.
I have someone saved in my phone as "This Hoe Ain'tit' Loyal" and I'm missing my superman boxers. Explain.
I threw up a lot of peanut butter last night.
I'm hoping the sedatives kick in before I drunkenly decide to eat this whole cheesecake.
but if we have a President Trump come Tuesday, I might throw myself off the Walt Whitman Bridge so Thursday might not work for me after all.
if you're wondering why I texted you some girl's name at 4 am it's because you wanted to Facebook stalk the girl who gave that Irish guy we met at the Chinese food place her license and said 'call me'
Randomize
