Swine flu. Run for my life!
Eric said he heard us having sex the other night. He said i did a great job.
watching a tv show about cocaine.. just explained to my mom why the test monkey chose coke over food
I'm driving in the middle of nowhere, and I just saw a stuffed Barney hanging from a noose on a tree. Maybe I should turn around.
Haha Tomato, Tomato. That doesn't work very well via text message.
i tried to hook up with a mom and then her husband came with num chucks
He was just laying on the stairs and then screamed, "Is that a clubhouse?" I haven't seen him since
I had a dream that we erected a stage in our living room for "impromptu performances" how can we make this a reality?
He legit pounded my cooking wine, because he was to cheap to buy beer. He is so not getting any.
Dude you don't even know. I spilled the tequila and it took 4 people to stop me from drinking it off the table.
Come on, without my personality, I'm a pretty good one night stand.
It's all fun and games until you throw up hot cheetos in your drawer.
Please save me from this creative non fiction class. I just wrote a paper about how I spend unhealthy amounts of time with my cat.
I spend unhealthy amounts of time watching RuPaul's Drag Race.
I referred to the cat as amicable.
My desire to pee is a lot higher than my need to be buzzed right now.
I looked into this "it's just lunch" matchmaker thing and it was like 5 grand. If I'm gonna spend five grand I'll throw in another three and get new tits and find my own fucking husband.
Randomize
