Ehh boy. FML. she was unattractively large.
Every one of her profile pictures looks like an ad for American Apparel. Of course she has syphilis.
Just hit on a fat chick so shed buy me a drink. Then i walked away. Nice to see how the other half lives.
She told me I had to leave by four. We fucked until six thirty and we are the champions played on the way home. Yeah god knew
As for the 14 hours of vodka. I am all that is man.
there isn't one for "I'll give you an I'm sorry blowjob" but that's also an option you have. in the meantime here is an emoticon of a caterpillar
I am broke enough to accept it. If I get poisoned, you can have my shoes
I always "accidentally" drop a condom and make sure she sees it's a magnum. By the time I'm inside her and she realizes how small I am, it's all over in a flash and I'm done. Plus, they never call back so I never have to see the girl ever again. #gratefulforprematuretinypenis
Just lectured your brother about using condoms when hooking up with girls he meets online. I should be a fucking life coach
You just kept screaming "COME GET ME OFFICER, MY ALLIGATOR MEANS BUSINESS" while swinging a beanie baby alligator at him.
Like do I send him a nude to ease his mind off his brother having a stroke? I'm not very good with words when it comes to consoling... I would be a terrible mother.
Dipping my sugar cookies in a glass of fireball and creme soda. This is holiday spirit
I feel like my foot is being amputated. Or maybe it's the vodka. I couldn't tell you.
If one more person says Merry Christmas to me I’m going to take a pen out of my pocketbook and stab them in the eye
Also I think I set a new personal record. Definitely slept with him less than 45 minutes after meeting him. Oh god my life.
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