I have the sudden urge to buy a Snuggie and wear it to the grocery store.
I told him to come back in 5mins cause i needed to take a few more shots before i could talk to him
Sweet. Might not hurt to poop on the floor anyway.
the owner gave me a free bottle of vodka and a 12pack of red bull if i agreed to leave. my drunken antics are finally paying off.
btw he is cheating on one twin with the other. the main woman in his life has a mullet. I defiantly have either the coolest or weirdest uncle ever
I just beer bonged. Soco and spite please get on my levvl my hair is in buns
Drunkenly tried to auction off Merik's pancakes at Ihop. Apparently I make a great auctioneer. Also, no one wants 30 cent pancakes.
Sex and sushi don't even sound good right now... I might be on my death bed. To my Liz, I leave my extensive movie collection and my drinking supplies. To Olive I leave my car. Cause every Scottish terrier needs a 2010 Camaro.
Is it counter productive to ride on my exercise bike with a cocktail in hand?
Just got to Evans to buy weed. His mom showed up unannounced. Now the three of us are chillen. Super.
ACTUALLY FUNNIEST MOMENT OF THE NIGHT WAS WHEN YOU WERE TALKING TO HIM AND YOU SAID "WHEN YOU MEET ME IN REAL LIFE I WILL BE A LOT ANGRIER." And then he said "WHEN I MEET YOU IN REAL LIFE I WILL BE LESS DRUNK, HOPEFULLY."
MY INSIDES ARE BASICALLY BEING WRUNG BY A CHAINSAW IM NEVER TAKING PLAN B AGAIN
He complimented the perfect handprints you left on each of my ass cheeks.Thanks.
This morning when you were fucking me you said you'd go to the store and get me tampons and a 30 pack
What made you think singing Silent Night while I was puking was a good idea?!?!
Randomize
