ok i'm going to motor boat your sister now. ttyl
Just crushed a xanax into my chewing gum. Its gonna be a long, fucking up flight...
My tally is now official: I have been drunk every weekend since 2008. Cheers.
I'm quite proud of this turning point from one night stands to giving some guy a BJ to fix my car for free.
there is potential here for me to have a consistent access to someone's dick who isn't actually an asshole. i think i'm ready for a relationship.
czant get you from the arport. sry i found the rum. dan sucks at rumpong jusrt so yo knoqw.
Dude, I just had the best sex of my life in a porta potty at the NCAA girls lax championships but didn't get her name or number. But I have her sunglasses. How is this possible, I'm sad.
I love your life.
I'd like to stay optimistic, but I have this nagging suspicion my penis is in for a disappointing holiday weekend.
I love birth control. How's that for a Facebook status on valentines day.
I'm a bit broke right now... Would it be OK if I pay you in champagne and Xanax?
I knew there was a problem when things got heated and instead of rushing home I offered to get bagels instead
he's just got his life so together and it makes my pussy wet.
According to my snapchat story, I tore a fake wig off a security guard and ran away with it.
I would ride that face into the sunset
I just discovered that jello shots are the best hangover cure
You said that last night when you did jello shots at 4am
Randomize
