The greatest thing of my life happened today. I took a shit and it formed a smiley face. It's going to be a fucking fantastic day.
Funny, I didnt know that facebook statuses were for crappy song lyrics
one of my coworkers is shitshow drunk, getting naked. she's about to ride the bull.
i was just going to ask if it would be cool for me to come and have a beer...
it's total chaos here. i may ride the bull... i'll be visible.
he sent me a winky sad face. i cannot deal this level of pathetically needy flirtatiousness.
He told her, Don't talk. Just sit there so I can imagine that you have the kind of personality I wish you had.
So after I was tied with a feather boa he left me there with KFC and cherry coke
The bank teller laughed at me....I'm apparently that fucking hungover looking
All I wanted was my $85. Judgement free. But nooooo
ok is that genuinely the first four bars of mozart's symphony #40 sharpied onto my arm or
Ugh did we play golf last night and did you by chance hit my head with a club or a ball?
I forgot to tell you, wear something you can puke on Saturday. We're christening this marriage with a shot of jager. NOT KIDDING.
last thing I remember was someone walking in on me sitting in the bathtub listening and singing along to Britney spears "Till the world ends" on repeat.
THE EAGLE HAS MY PANTIES. I REPEAT. THE FUCKING MASCOT HAS MY PANTIES.
HOLY SHIT. You're my hero.
I'm cooling my balls with a beer because I'm too cheap to turn on the AC
If you can't beat em, make them send you dick pics so they can't do anything stupid again.
you've already made the comitment to pee in public you should at least whip your dick out
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