Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
She texted me and said she was fingering herself. Don't respond to this because she's the perfect girl. I'd love to smell her cell phone after that.
I assume you meant to text someone else on your contact list instead of your own mother...
he must have thought the song was "ejacuate on the dance floor"
The most interesting things happen to you when your pants come down. I truly envy you.
The new google images is a smorgasbord of porn now are plans for tonight are off.
I was throwing up in the shower. He was throwing up on me. It was a cute couple moment for us.
Valuable lesson learned: if you reach the point where you have to talk yourself in to finishing the last half of your beer, you shouldn't try.
never underestimate the power of walking into a bar alone in uv cat makeup.. took home a seven foot man
Uhh... I think I meant "Be proud, I'm taking shots before my public speaking test." "Coffee and vodka is not good" and "Also, I'm giving blood drunk."
Robert just walked in drunk, grabbed my Jameson from me, told me to let him do his thing, and spilled it all over the coffee table. Then he told me to grab a funnel because he was going home.
Guess I was throwing darts at a patrons head last night, lol! Black out
I told my grandmother all I want is a nice guy who likes to be tied up.
jusy threw up in the airport bathroom. I am no longer thankful for fireball.
Too bad I can't un-pee in his body wash
And he's back on taking these stupid testosterone supplements to kickstart him back into working out. And they just make him angry and horny all the time. I'm like great, just in time to meet my whole family for Christmas.
Randomize
