Contrary to what I yelled at them last night, it turns out campus police CAN arrest people...
For public speaking we have to bring an object that describes us to class. Can't decide if I wanna bring a flask or a shot glass.
Please stop hiding condoms in my house. If I want to have sex with you, I will let you know. FYI, my mom found the ones hidden behind the milk. She was not happy.
Woke up on a mattress on a roof this morning with a pair of briefs next to me. Oh fleet week.
But I just had this pork pâté. It was dick grabbing.
I can't figure out if I'm dying from all of the booze still in my system, or from the cement wall.
We got out of the car in valet drinking beers we gave the valet one as a tip
I just threw in a dip with a guy that superglued his fake tooth back in today. My life is complete.
I went to the obgyn with chipped nail polish.. Somewhere Beyonce was looking down, shaking her head, whispering "Not fierce."
in that moment our bushes were one. and in that moment we were pure.
I have bits of ceiling fan all over now
oh my god you are days, if not hours away from a dick pic. This is the day the lord has made rejoice and be glad in it
just had an acid flashback in my therapist's office. i am a walking stereotype
So I said "fuck it" and made myself a sandwich
Granted, I did not plan to spend ANY hour of the last day of 2020 sober.
Randomize
