y did u give ur computer a hand job?
It has come to my attention that I should apologize for myself and my friends
Crosby and Malkin: Two girls, one cup.
Do u think I can claim pregnancy as an accident so my insurance covers it?
So my earrings and necklace kept jingling and hitting him in the face, and he told me felt like he was fucking a Christmas tree
it took you forty minutes to realize it was a gay bar.
It's like that depressing moment when you drop your cocaine in the snow.
after last night my drinking related hospital bracelet collection is up to 13
It's because of weed that I don't mind driving an hour to visit my family. And it's because of you that there's weed in my life. Thank you.
it's not like I want to die, I just want life to stop for a little bit. how does that work?
I hate how much more visible my vomit is on snow, I need a winter vomit bush
You fell asleep standing up against the shower wall
I can feel your judgement through the phone
I was too hungover to sit up and pull the curtains closed so I did it with my toes
I bet you my entire life savings of $0 that there's a Doctor Who porn parody and that it features the sonic screwdriver being inserted into some cavities
Randomize
