i just woke up in the woods behind my house in handcuffs and a dan marino jersey ive never seen before
he whipped it out and it smelt like my toilet after taco Tuesday
I think any school that has COCKS written on it's baseball hats has their priorities straight.
I'm not giving my ex her earrings back. If some chick i hated gave me brownies i would still eat them. It's the same thing.
You drunk invited us to do an intervention for you.
Okay wait let me power puke and then we can go dancing
He got completely naked and is now just standee there next to my bed poking at my hamster. Why can't I get sex the normal way.
Hey do you know who I showed my dick to at the bar last night?
You BETTER NOT STEAL MY MOTHERFUCKING SQUIRREL
She was rubbing her face on the carpet, she was high.
I woke up in a tutu and topless. How was your night?
I ate her out in the bathroom and she did my makeup. Man i love being a lesbian
I just licked a piece of cheese off my phone screen if that makes you feel any better
She was blowing me like a porn star and all I could think was "you just told me your grandfather is dying in hospice right now"
Oh the best part of having sex with him was that he made me a smoothie after
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