the guy i hooked up with is asleep on our couch. please dont fuck him.
My warmest regards to the fish in that koi pond I puked in.
Either way you look at it, I'm a slut. But either way I look at it, I'm having a fucking blast.
He fell off the roof... he clearly has not been preparing for summer.
Well right now I am watching him use the fire extinguisher off the pourch.
I just stole a cupcake from somebody's bottle service
And I got $4 when somebody made it rain.
It was like being fucked by the god of thunder, he gained power from the storm. I took a Plan B because I don't think regular birth control will stop Thor's sperm.
You paid at the door and they gave you a straw for the kiddie pool full of booze.
After a bit there were two girls who got naked and liquor wrestled. I don't think it was planned.
Turns out the guy I peed on gave me a ride back to my dorm this morning.
You are a god.
My vag is like the Sahara
Ew that's gross.
The sad truth. Barren and empty.
I'm drunk at 3:28
I'm jealous as shit at 3:34
Someone younger than me just got married. Send help and vodka
I said he looked like a lumberjack and that's when he came. I guess he liked the beard compliment?
Hi I'm on my way to give you multiple screaming orgasms and Easter candy
I'm having a hard time eating my sandwich knowing how many different buttholes my hands were in last night.
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