dude, i think i am in a porno. I was working out at the hotel gym and some chick was doing yoga and a guy comes up and says "good, now i know your flexible" then they started making out. WTF?
You also had the stripper slap the shit out of me for not having any money....remember that?
So for two years my friend Mark has been building a catapult in his basement. Yesterday he realized it's too big to get it out.
You need to give me a reason immediately why he is your friend.
Somebody spraypainted a transformers head on a transformer box..my life is complete
Just pulled over to throw up in a day care parking lot while the kids were outside playing. The adults were mortified.
Selling Girl Scout Cookies outside bars for higher than retail value has got to be the most profitable idea. Ever.
hold on, were in the kitchen painting a yellow brick road to my vagina on my leg with black light paint.
This is my transition from small talk texts to booty call texts. Coming over?
Quite the smooth talker. There in 5.
Tonight, I'll be cleaning. And by cleaning, I mean drinking booze and spraying everything with Febreze.
I am the slutty bisexual glue that holds this friendship group together.
You slammed your face into the toilet and declared you were moving your bed into the bathroom in the morning. Also, you insisted on crawling everywhere because feet are "overrated."
I got sucker punched while I was making out with some girl...I think my molar might have flown into her mouth
He took my virginity but also my remaining pizza. i dont know how to feel right now.
Just met my French neighbor. We watched a crow die together, so we're pretty tight.
I'd have to have a ring. Like I don't want to be called "the ex girlfriend that shit on me"
Randomize
