My key broke off while I was turning the key. I can't pull the broken key out. Not only am i locked outside, so is the rest of the building.
i just made out with my boyfriends father...and so did jess
i just woke up with two martini umbrellas taped to my nipples... idk how they got there
Spotted: forty year old in red dress, cigarette in hand, squatting to pee by railroad tracks. Hello future.
DO NOT FUCK HIM ON MY BEAN BAG CHAIR
forgot a fork. i am eating fettucini alfredo with a comb that i rinsed off the the bathroom sink. eating alone in my car. life doesn't get any sadder than this
Good news. Isn't krabs. Bad news. Not sure what it is. Worse news. Encouraged not to fuck till known. Great news getting laid tonight
You tried to pay for our cab with the 2 dollars you got from selling your natty ice outside the strip club.
Happy birthday, you long dick monster
Hey do you eat chocolate chip pancakes with bacon in?
DO NOT MAIL ME A PANCAKE
I have a guy for practically everything... except for making me waffles on demand. will u be my waffle guy?
I'm 22 and I'm drinking hawaiian punch from a sippy cup. Everything is right in the world.
ugh i want to get waxed but I’m afraid. my vagina has had enough trauma this week, i don’t know if I can put her thru any more.
Why can't he just dump me? This is like a baby seal clubbing the hunter
I'll be back in a hour going with Jason to get his nipples tattooed back on again
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