You're my little dorito
My unemployment check should really just be direct-deposited into the checking account of my drug dealer
the only reason i even kissed her was because we were having sex when it midnight, and i heard people yelling "happy new year."
I wana party with Kermit the frog, no wait. Fozzy the bear. He's probably a silly bitch when he's drunk.
Once I saw his penis, I knew I made the right choice
Apparently you can talk a girl into leaving the bar and coming back to your tent, who knew?
I may or may not be wearing slippers and a TMNT hat. This thing better not have a dress code.
wearing my old cheerleader outfit to the bar was a great way to get free drinks. i should do this more often
I have not brushed my hair. I'm wearing a yoga hoodie. I look like I slept in a gutter somewhere. Today is going to be a good day.
Sometimes having a penis is like having a really stupid drunk best friend. You see it doing dumb shit but you're just not the one in charge.
Going overboard is basically 75% of my personality
I'm a gorgeous hot mess
Are you missing a tooth after last night? Because I found one in my coat pocket...along with what smells like dried jäger and a package of deer jerky.
Uh not that I recall.
Oh wait nvm. It's mine. Yeup, definitely my tooth.
I'm sorry, but the bed has won this battle. I got up, changed my shirt, combed my hair, put on some deodorant, and then looked at my bed and got back in
On a scale of 1 to hungover I’m definitely throwing up at the office today.
I’m so poor I’m filling a flask with vodka and bringing it to the bar.
Randomize
