Yeah well I just ate cereal out of a muffin pan with a fork. I'll flip a coin as to who has to tackle that pile of dishes we've neglected for 3 weeks.
Apparently he ran around last night saying he was 'the hulk hogan of muff diving'
Did you pluck my eyebrows one night when I passed out?
my 3 favorite things in life are tequila, dicks, and making sandwiches. that DOES NOT make me a bad person.
Finally put clothes on I've been laying naked in the bed for approximately 4 hours since I showered and by showered I mean when I laid down in the bathtub with the shower on
He's cheating on her.
Are you sure it wasn't her?
I have my glasses on, and as long as she didn't change her face in the past two months; its her.
Chipotle just hit me... I want to go sit in the corner of the shower and cry until morning.
Just specific performance'd my way into her pants. I literally said specific performance and that shit worked. Thanks B. Law!
I just sent you a multitude of sexual pictures...and you responded with a Charles Dickens Quote.
I woke up like how did I get here this blanket is nice but it was just the curtain
You know if we weren't hooking up I think we'd actually be friends
Would it be inappropriate to send a friend request to the sheriff that fingerprinted me last night???
She's got Mike in the bathroom. He's covered in meat.
I got in an argument over whether or not I'm a slut. I argued yes.
So you're not gonna be in town tonight?! Your dick was the light at the end of my academic tunnel!
Randomize