Dear yesterdays makeup, Thank you for always being there when I stay up late binge drinking on weeknights and am running late to work Friday morning. You're the best.
the girl next to me just texted someone in her phone named Optimus Prime
...i wonder what he did to earn that nickname
It was like some kind of slut recycling operation. She gave me the shirt of the last guy she slept with in exchabge for mine so I didn't have to wear the same thing to work. She's been doing it for years
His facebook status was woke up with a whale ..... Captain AHAB IS BACK !!!!!
5th glass of wine. There's pictures of Jesus everywhere. It's like you're constantly reminded of your sins here.
If Dave says he's going to have sex with her, he's going to fuck her retarded and turn her crazy. So run.
I'm seeing how long I can hold this wine in my mouth. I have so many adventures! I'm like Teddy Ruxpin!
New game I thought of while bored on the train. Anytime I get a text from an ex, I will randomly text a different ex. It's like a less charitable version of pay it forward.
Is he the circus guy or the bi-curious street preacher?
I'm worried about your health. And your boobs. Actually, health, then boobs. Health first, boobs second. And third.
I've slapped too many boys and done too many naked laps for it only to be 10:30pm
Did my extra credit for a class I badly need to pass at the bar of Friday's.. kind of sum's up my college career. Got a 90 though.
Success! We fucked roommates!
Sorry, my phone died and I decide to charge my vibrator instead. #priorities
can I CTRL ALT DELETE this universe
Randomize
