I saw hookers! I saw hookers! I saw hookers! I saw hookers! I saw hookers! I saw hookers! Live in the flesh!
Bad news is im a slut again. Good news is its with people ive been a slut with before.
I just passed a drug test. I want to shout that from the top of a mountain. Can we have beers on the top of a mountain?
I've been trying to brush my teeth for 20 mins now... Mother of hangovers.
So I paid for the taxi using pennies and hair clips, no need to thank me.
I will always make you feel special and slightly offended. That's my job.
Why am I getting texts saying are you ready for this butthole? Help
My boyfriend sold my favorite shoes right off my fucking feet last night outside the bar. It might have played a part in our breakup today.
You're like my little fucked up version of the groundhog seeing its shadow, only it's boobs and warm weather.
Those boxers don't belong to me anymore. They belong to the desert surrounding Phoenix.
I really need to curb my attractions to blondes with tattoo sleeves, firearms and alcoholism
Thanks for wearing matching bob ross shirts to the bar with me and referring to every guy as a happy little accident
I got married tonight..
I'd like to first of all congratulate you on your marriage. Secondly, probably one of the best drunk texts I've ever received. Unless you were sober, then that text was awkward.
Thrres cinnamon everywgte. Plead cine get me
Yeah I passed out. The last thing I remember is the lady telling me I couldn't play the clarinet with my nose.
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