Soo i just shotgunned a water balloon...
Tip for today: never try to fart and swallow at the same time. You'll end up choking on whatever you are currently swallowing and shit yourself from the freakout of choking.
you're like the Neil Armstrong of terrible hookups, you are a pioneer
Why is there a case of Coors Light with my address on it?
Bank of America texted me 7 times in 12 hours to say my balance was below $50. I kept transfering money back in. Then I texted my bank saying that it was okay, i knew what I was doing.
she won't be coming home tonight because she tried stealing a baby giraffe from the zoo
Im gonna need you to always be ready for drinking or this will never work. grow up peter pan.
Found my shoes and purse. They're all strapped together in my neighbor's tree. Need to borrow your ladder. Thanks in advance
DO NOT EAT ONE OF DONOVANS WEED RICE CRISPIES. I REPEAT DO NOT EAT IF YOU VALUE YOUR EYE BALLS
That girl next to you randomly said that she fits into a queen sized pillow case
WTF.
I don't even know if I LIKE sober sex any more.
I'm not sure what is worse, the fact that Hoffman doesn't sell vodka before 9am or that I was trying to buy vodka at 8:30am.
I think your husband is breaking up with me...
He brought me hungover chipotle knowing full well he wasn't getting a blow job. I think he may be too in love with me.
sarah's view on last night: a threesome to make things less awkward. oh, well done.
Randomize
