Dude my mom stole all your condoms
Apparently I was pointing at birds and yelling "YOU USED TO BE A DINOSAUR!!!"
we drunkly made out in the middle of the street beside the homeless guy playing the flute. Not how I imagined our first kiss.
We used the solo cup bag for her hair tie. Desperate times call for desperate measures.
there is vodka in my soul right now. The vapor is coming out my nose.
Please don't smoke the bong in the bathroom while you shit. It is not a shitting bong.
Can vaginas get frostbite?
I make one hell of a fire on Ambien. Other life choices not so much. But fire. Fire I can do.
Why did this happen to me why did I have to meet him if I could go back in time I never would have grabbed his dick
His brother just asked him in all seriousness if it would be cool if they became eskimo brother brothers.
You know you turned your life around when your drunk eating salad at 3 am on a Friday night
TYLER OWES ME SO MUCH
I LET A CREEPY MAN I DONT KNOW SUCK ON MY NIPPLES
Quick question—how good are you at digging holes? I mean, besides the one you've dug for yourself. asking for a friend
Had a dream we were competing for tomatos.
I have a cheeseburger in my purse and im going to fill her prescription for narcotics. Who thought i was responsible enough to sign her discharge papers?
Randomize
