: I need to find myself a plastic surgeon husband so i can get boobs.
but u need boobs to get one in the first place.
So I just used shazaam to figure out a pairs figure skating song. I don't think I could get any gayer.
Need a travel agent to tell me which countries in Asia have legalized prostitution for New Year. Fireworks would be cool too.
My mom said that if she can come this weekend, she'll buy the weed.
Let me just say....i'm sorry about setting your carpet on fire. I had no idea that the paper towel would burn that quickly.
At one point, the guy you were fucking high-fived with the guy I was fucking. We should hang out with them again?
Thank god for makeup because it looks like someone took a shit on my face
accidentally stumbled into a construction site at 3am on the way home. The bulldozer was locked so we had to settle for rerouting traffic with all the orange cones...
Seriously I just dipped a banana in vodka I really need to stop drinking
Just when I thought he had turned a new leaf, I see a "Let me get you pregnant" shirt in his closet
Plus i lost a button on my shirt and we got free drinks all night. Sorry I'm not sorry.
You told me that you would let her eat cake off of your ass, then fell asleep on the floor
Just walked outside my house; realized I wasn't wearing any pants after about 3 minutes or so.
Drunk, high, hungover?
...I wish I had an excuse.
We gotta locate my vibrators and get them stashed away STAT
What happened last night?
Lets just say you asked me a couple times if you had eyeballs..
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