Do you realize that we tried to rent a limo at 5am to come and take us to waffle house?
He said I taste like butterscotch, licked me, then I'm pretty sure he wet his pants. So no, I do not want to invite him over.
Your therapist is not going to think that you using your vagina as revenge is okay
he kept a regular condom in his wallet just so he could comment on how it wouldnt fit before whipping out the magnums. i give him points for the build up
You going to have to be more specific than the night we blew an 8ball off the toilet..
Please tell me how you drunkenly remembered your social security number when we were checking you into the ER.
I just dropped my cookie in my glass of milk and looked at it for ten minutes. Thanks for telling me you made weed cookies.
i love that feeling when you wake up and have no idea how you got back to your dorm or why you have mac and cheese on your cheeks and eyelashes in your mouth
Is it too early to start a donation jar for my 4th of july hospital bills?
She got turned on by my fanny pack full of condoms. I can't believe you said it was a bad idea to wear it to the party.
Omg last night I was giving shots out like I was the Willy Wonka of the alcohol world.
He was trying to talk to me about standards while he had a french fry box on his hand like a glove and was using it to flatten his cheeseburger.
Am I getting cock blocked by karaoke? That's a first.
But I think I successfully seduced her with my alias.
Thanks for loaning me your shower and panties. My hubby is awesome, but I shouldn’t go home commando, smelling like lube and sperm again
Randomize
