We're watching an ocean show on Discovery Channel and drinking every time they say "dolphins." PS. Seals kill birds. Tell all your friends.
No need to clean the puke on the driveway. The squirrel is eating it up.
I have minimal recognition and a lot of burns on my tongue and my vagina hurts.
Please know that I fully expect you to help me steal a bed if I have a bad breakup.
I'm at Home Depot to get supplies to fix the wall we cracked by fucking too hard against the bookshelf.
This is absurd. I need a man. Or even a moderately-clean hobo will do at this point.
hold on, were in the kitchen painting a yellow brick road to my vagina on my leg with black light paint.
what's the appropriate greeting for someone whose bed you've had sex with someone else in?
I will refer to it as the penis of glory... he fucked me for 3 and a half hours - and all he needed was a 5 minute power nap in the middle (which he took WHILE INSIDE ME). I plan on staying with him forever
He said he would pay my bar tab if he couldn't answer my question. He lost to the age old question of our youth. Why did pogs go out of style.
His constant posting of "inspirational" Taylor Swift quotes over the past 3 days has me a little worried. It's like, holy shit dude, you're almost 30.
I TOOK A FINGER IN THE BUTT YOU CAN OPEN THIS MESSAGE
Have you ever seen death before? Bc it's me right now in yesterday's clothes.
Ah Christ I think I've reached the single life mentality 100%. I just inquired a photographer about a photo shoot with my dog.
Two words: nipple clamps
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