my penis was classy and tasteful, i don't know what her problem was.
i celebrated the independence of our country by dry heaving tequila all morning. so classy. happy 4th.
ok understand this, i didn't pay for your dinner bc you said i wasn't going to get a blowjob for at least a month... this isn't a mail-in rebate deal, you gotta pay upfront
im eating kix cereal and taking shots by myself. please come hang out with me. im desperate
Nothing like all your friends getting engaged to remind you how much fun sleeping around is.
He woke up licked his hand and put it on my vag and went back to sleep. This is twice this week and its only wednesday
you seemed to enjoy falling down hill
wow, never heard the last few months of my life put so succint
He was trying to hotbox the banana suit. Of course we traded him for vodka.
We both work at 8am and I have to shower but my roommate is passed out on our bathroom floor with the door locked. Merry Christmas.
I'm so upset I left my sombrero at the expo center
I just did my taxes to sober up, I'm THAT hungover
All I’ve had today is sex and water. I think it’s time for tacos.
I just saw a guy walking up the stairs with his dick out his pants. I let him know, and he just looked down in shock, laughed, and continued walking up the stairs.
Finding my pants in the morning should not make me this proud
I know you told me I shouldn't go see him...that's why I'm texting you letting you know I made it home safe from his house this morning
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