ahhh, you guys look like a cute little family in the cop car!
i'm unexpectedly in a limo, eating poutine. the driver just offered me coke. good idea?
i guess that's what happens when you find your girlfriend at the zoo
I just found puke in my bra..
Your last words were "i'm gonna motorboat the bartender." then you commenced with an attempted motorboat
St Patricks Day is not the day you decide to have a sober epiphany.
Nobody has seen her in 3 days. Should we call the cops or hope this is just another drunk Carmen San Diego game she's playing?
Oh FYI, people asked how/why I met you and I didn't want to say "drunk at a party on an air mattress" so I made a story up. It was a very cute and charming story with no alcohol.
Its okay that he doesn't remember you, he only remembers girls by their boobs and I think you were wearing a jacket
I like to oil my gears with cheap vodka and strangers
I've officially slept with/dated two guys that have gotten tased. What the fuck is wrong with me
Note to Self: Never again eat a weed brownie by yourself two hours before a tornado warning in your exact location.
I booty texted him nothing but three exclamation points at 3:05am and he was in my bed 17 minutes later, lest you think punctuation is not important.
Don’t fucking talk to that dude from monday!! Ethical consumption dude, don’t fuck shitty guys
So how do I tell him I've been sleeping with his wife too?
Randomize
