all nice guys are gay and all hot ones are assholes
You're fat. Stop making excuses
Is it bad that we're talking like nothing happened?
Ah. Blossoming love after wild blackout drunk sex.
The arresting officer told me "you probably get this a lot, but you look like anthony kiedis".
There is soup leaking out of my nose nothing in life has prepared me for this moment
Unless you have figured out how to blow me through the phone don't drunk dial me.
It felt like he was juggling my kidneys with the head of his penis... If you could even call it that, it was more like a lochness monster. Huge and mythical.
FUCK BUDDYS DON'T HOLD HANDS. NO EXCEPTIONS.
Yeah. I don't think I have anything left in me tho. I think I was throwing up tangible memories at one point.
Trustme, don't ever look up when you're giving road head. It's awkward.
Dude. My knees have no hair on them and they're bruised. My thigh is killing me. I have about 1000 texts to about 5 exes which I horribly regret. I have pictures of my own penis on my phone. I can't find my iPad. And I have work in an hour.
I shaved last nite, you should see my cock it looks like a beautiful skyscraper
Haha! You know I mean that in a positive way. Like, "let them eat cake!" Or in our case, "let them achieve obesity from the two entree plate at Panda Express!"
She said she didn't know what fireball was. We are no longer friends.
You were so drunk you told some dude your life story in one short sentence... and kissed his fiancé. You're invited to the wedding.
If work found out I was using THEIR paper to write Karate Kid fanfic I'd never hear the end of it.
Randomize
