saturday- my day is open, my legs are not. you in?
well apparently not.
Totally about to meet up with Ryan in an empty parking lot. Expect to fuck him. Yes I know it's 3am. Slutty? Possibly. Excited? Damn right.
mom just asked if we are going to need more kaluha as she pulls 5 out of the cupboard. this xmas might kill me
she showed up with nothing but olive garden breadsticks in her purse.
Dude, you need to understand there is a fine line between "guilty pleasure" and in the closet gay
All I know is she had me sitting on the kitchen floor with her little Pomeranian eating potato chips And shredded cheese. I don't even know dude. I don't even know.
Just had the moment before I realised I'd packed you off in an ambulance last night after funnel-feeding you Monster and vodka. Your mom thinks I'm a dick doesn't she?
He just grabbed my boob and justified it by saying "I just wanna feel your heart beat"
Also can you rate on a scale of zero to jesus restraining order christ how creepy it is that he found a porn star that looks like me and has watched all the porn that she's been in
Also, rendered a whole bar silent last night when I told a guy to take off his panties and take a shot out of my cleavage. Video to follow...
I'm too high and old for this...
woke up. showered n got ready. had sex. and was still 15 minutes early to work... its gonna be a good day!
but next to his bed he has a bible, and on the bible he has a pbr coaster and a condom. how can i stay mad at that? Its amazing.
i need to get crying drunk at the bar more often. i end up going home with guys who have big penises. its like God is saying "there, there, this will cheer you up".
What do you do when you legitimately find a hidden sex dungeon in your parents basement next to your bedroom!!?
Randomize
