Well for starters i'm drinking vodka out of a bell pepper.
i stapled my math hw together with an ear ring, too ghetto?
It says a lot about how well I know you when I can understand messages of yours that say things like "sauteed Jesus."
So my OCD kicked in and I cleaned his kitchen. His roommates were so grateful, they tried to pay me in weed.
YOU ACCEPTED, RIGHT?
Santa was walking around downtown handing out stuff at the bars. He gave me a free eyebrow wax. I think he's trying to tell me something
My fridge broke, and apparently the back is missing. The repair guy just fixed it with a pizza box. I didn't ask where the box came from, but it wasn't mine. Reason #20 why rent is cheap.
Ok in all seriousness. Alcohol intake is now restricted for me. I found handcuffs in my trunk.
Do you have any idea how hard it is to iphone keyboard type "roflcopter" when intoxicated?
Can I just have sex with him and then never talk to him? I need him to be the Mr. Miyagi of my sex life.
You started pulling out condoms from your fanny pack and threw them at all the couples on the beach
You thought you were Snapchating on your tablet, but were really just poking John Stamos' face on my Full House dvd case...
She was screaming and crying about how she couldn't find her middle finger. Then, she threw her body on to the pavement. Thats the last time we buy a freshmen a handle.
He went down on me and then made me breakfast in bed. He's a man you can bring home to mom.
This may sound strange but do you have my pants?
You tried to trade them for some girls skirt... So she has them...
He thought it would be sexy if he found my clothes and dressed me, and it was..until he found a thong under his bed and assumed it was mine. It wasn't
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