Bridesmaid dress fitting. I look like a Weeble and Michelle looks like Malibu Barbie. I have to keep reminding myself that she has herpes so really, the playing field is more level than it might initially seem.
if i had a camp nickname it would be Flick Bean
You said I was the most beatiful preggers youve ever seen...im not pregnant
How am I suppose to fully love you when you cant even open up and try to fulfill my midget fantasy
Side note, we are 25 fighting over our sophmore year RAs Drunk facebook attention
Ok so in the last 18 months I have now driven four different dudes into counseling. I'm like heroin with a vagina.
Oh my god what did I do. My hands are scraped, there are pickles on the floor, my clothes are wet, and I don't remember how I get here. Thank you.
Hey could you buy me 2 bottles of arbor mist? I'm trying to get laid tonight
It's like shitshowville, population: those girls.
She has also never texted me first which I think might be a tell-tale sign she wants me to die alone.
No more pre-dentist shots, I just puked on my hygienist
He's not very smart so he didn't know I was yelling at him with monologues from Scandal.
Self reach around competition is what the Olympics has been missing all along. A true test of athleticism.
Why did I not realize how important my fridge was till I was drunk. It keeps all my food cold its like my own cold box
I love Texas men! TSA agent found my vibrator, nodded approvingly, and said, “You have a nice night, ma’am” with a cowboy accent. I almost made out with him on the spot
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