i either just vomited on a lesbian or a small boy
My phone has seen less use in the last three days than Tom Brady's condoms.
you threw up in someones recycling bin and left a note apologizing. how drunk do you think you were?!
We spent three hours cleaning our room this morning. It was spotless and smelling good. I come home from work tonight and she has already smoked weed in it and "accidently" spilled vodka on the floor.
just took my birth control pill with a shamrock shake. happy st. patrick's day
Just had a dream about an abnormally large bottle of tequila. No more depressed drinking for me.
Seriously. He was just sitting there naked in the dark with a boner pissed that I came home late.
Well someone named our apartment "the eiffel tower" on facebook check-in so I think they know..
I wonder if our vaginas are like "o thank god, no strangers breaking in tonight." Baahhhh sooo bad
Second night back. Go to house party and played ring of fire. Me plus five other people completely naked. College wins.. It's going to be a long semester
You're not on my level until you shop at Petsmart for sex accessories.
If you're wearing dry underwear your day is already better than mine.
She just started crying. With my dick still inside her. Something about her grandpa.
i feel like i got punched in the face....
you did....
Only you could get too drunk for taco bell. I don't know if I'm jealous or ashamed. Go to bed.
Randomize
