i mean you're really good at taking the morning after pill...so you could put that on your resume..
yeah, i think fast in a bad sitatuion and am able to react with appropriate measures
Passed out for 3 hrs til now to wake up naked on my bed covered with grass from drunk slip and slide I would call that success
Im so tired of dysfunctional exs fucking up my relationships with future dysfunctional exs
I have a video (on my shattered iphone) of a random DJ at some bar giving me a birthday shoutout and texts from random numbers talking about birthday sex. My birthday is in April... Happy birthday to me?
Pretty sure I just convinced a drunk guy at the train station that I was from the future
Bad news. I baked you a cake and one of my fingernails is missing.
I walked into a McDonalds at 8:30 am with a half-eaten apple and a solo cup. Never felt so judged.
It's gameday bitch. Man up.
Just try not to burn your pubes off with sparklers this year.
No promises
I'm eating tortillas right now. Like not cooked tortillas. Someone is playing the guitar. Man with bandana.
Dude. Photoshop a Santa hat on your mug shot and send it as your Christmas cards.
This morning when you were fucking me you said you'd go to the store and get me tampons and a 30 pack
if you and your penis don't hurry up, I'm getting drunk without you.
whatever, tonight I’ll be getting my ass eaten by an aussie so we good
Things change once you put a ring on it. 5 years ago if I had morning wood she would have gone nympho on that. Now I am just lucky if she touches it rolling when we sleep.
It’s bad enough my brother slept with half of the sorority this year, but now he’s lifeguarding at the club and every divorcée and cougar in town is asking me for his number. My twin is a manwhore and I’ve become his pimp.
Randomize
