Your date looks like the Cloverfield monster. good luck.
He cooked the food on a paper plate in the oven.
i had a headache and asked the kid next to me for aspirin. he gave me esctacy instead. gotta love college.
you described his penis as a "portable fishing pole"
Lost my key. Fell asleep on the doorstep and got woken up by host grandma poking me with a broom.
I just bought the ATT family protection plan so that I could block all of my old bar hookups from booty calling me...
I just realized that I have to choose between a future orthopedic surgeon and a dude currently in jail. My life is so fucked.
Just visited the liquor store.... for the 4th time today. shits gonna get weird
we were making out in my truck and while she was straddling me she informs me that she jerks off horses for a living. Should I be concerned or flattered?
Imma do four shots of whisky within two minutes and pass out. Otherwise this'll go badly.
I mean metaphorically. Literally zombies have yet to invade. Let's be rational here.
I just found a nug casually in my room under my duffel bag. Is this a sign I need help?
So uh. Your future in porn. Would you be willing to wear an alien costume for it?
I'm like the total package- I don't want a relationship and I have daddy issues. What more could he want?
dude, he literally lasted one minute. and i paid 8 dollars for cabs.
Randomize
