Sweetheart, you've always been a horrid bitch...
My milkshake brings 85 to 90 percent of the boys to the yard
4 words: hood of his car
I love my bros weed
Im gonna hate it in like 20 mins though
Not gonna happen. She just told me she puts glitter over the mole on her nose to make it look like a piercing.
It smelled like mall pretzels. Of course I investigated.
I do have sympathy for you. It's just not going to manifest as a blow job.
You are the only person I know who got away with wearing a turtleneck while getting laid. ONLY person.
No, this is non-alcoholic oatmeal.
Also, as my manager i'm going to put you in charge of making sure i don't drown.
Remember the bouncer that knocked out Dave and Sam? Apparently his day job is a florist. Uppercut and fresh cut in one package.
Dad stumbling and puking in the White Castle parking lot = Father's Day success
We are no longer allowed to have pre 4th party week. I woke up with a donut stuck to my face and 'MILF' written in black marker on my stomach.
Mother of the Year
I've started budgeting for next year. It looks like I'll be crying tears of dollar bills and handing them over to pay back my unholy college debt.
My sister just poured me a dbl Ciroc on the rocks and said "the ice makes it festive." Honestly what a role model.
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