it's too hot outside to masturbate.
Reason #84 I'm on my way to becoming a crazy cat lady: I called the police last night because I heard a noise and the cats were acting funny like they were trying to tell me something. The 3rd time the dispatcher repeated "the cats are acting funny?" I yelled and told her to have an officer ask the cats what happened.
Like if Robert Downey Jr. and Kiefer Sutherland got together for a bender, that's how drunk I want us to be.
Remember when I said "no boyfriend, no problems"? I lied. Tequila. Tequila is a problem.
I want a calm night. Not one where I wake up to you topless and bloody.
please tell me you're in jail and for some reason they have wifi
See, the Lortab wasn't working enough, so I thought "hey, vodka can speed that up! That's how science works!" Which probably should've been my indication that the Lortab was in fact working
it went well until I said "me" instead of "my" and he kept sexting me in character as a pirate
Fucking adderall I just talked at the security guard for 90 minutes
I accidentally sent my dad a very explicit Star Wars fanfiction and he replied with "That was great!"
My throat is burning
Thats because you proceeded to drink the salsa because you thought it was alcohol...dumbass
He can sense you did cocaine and had park sex with a large ginger from Australia last night.
Your mom asked you why you had bite marks all over your arms and you answered her by yelling "I HAD A SIESTA!"
You'll probably laugh but I am currently in bed in the fetal position wrapped in only my ninja turtles towel. Save me.
They picked up the lamp, held it aloft, and proclaimed apropos of nothing “this is going right up my ass”. LOUDLY
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