Come to wood. Julia is putting pants on. We must stop her.
he's a bartender at a gay strip club. maybe he can work his magic. with getting u in, not gay magic.
I wish my new phone didn't autocorrect so well. People will never experience the magic of my drunk texts because they think I'm making a coherent statement.
you said grace in the diner. 5am, drunk, grace. you thanked the man w the mushroom cut for the wonderful supply of screwdrivers
I woke up at 5 this morning face down on my bed with gummy bears stuffed in my leggings. Yeah.
You better be coming back...your date is passed out in a shrub in my backyard and I'm pretty sure her shirt is on my kitchen floor
they're doing drop shots of Jager into red wine. i don't want to be on that level
I'm just pissed at the whore who takes over my body when I'm blacked out.
I want him to rummage through my vagina. with unwashed hands.
You tired to make us "vodka tacos". Which was just you dipping pitas in vodka.
Any good?
Well. FUCK YA. But that's beside the point
Welp, I can cross "making out with a guy in a dress" off my bucket list...
Well I never thought in the future I'd be able to say "hey remember that Easter I made porn?"
My friend wants your phone number so you can teach her how to take a beer bong. She saw you doing them last night and got jealous.
Just tell her to open her throat. I don't want to talk to anyone who is jealous of someone who woke up this morning with a cat in their shirt as a result of that glorious beer bonging skill.
Nope. Too much basics going on right now. I'm tying you both up and throwing you to the vibrating sexy toy sharks. You shall either sink or get off gloriously.
He fell asleep during FOREPLAY. Sober!!!
Im outta here as soon as my phone charges wtf
Randomize
