not sure what to think.... picked her up and her dad says "if you take her home, you'll regret it"
There's nothing worse than waking up naked on the beach covered in sand and a family walking by.
She gave me a handjob while eating a mcdouble with mayo on the way home from the bars at 2 in the morning. Car was full of people. This could be forever
She stumbled in with some guy, woke me up, introduced him and said "This is my sister. She's a freshman. She probably hates you."
remind me not to fuck anymore half bald 20 year olds. because obviously there's attachment issues
he said good things come in small packages and I decided to hook up with someone else
So who was trying to make it rain last night in the bathroom? There are pieces of dollar bill everywhere
Today's weekday brunch started at 2pm, and consisted of $7 of sandwich and $50 of cocktails. Also, I hustled the bartender for about $3 playing nickel poker, but he may have been letting me win. Either way, he didn't get into my pants.
This is what you sent me from the other side of the pool, "Idk but thers a pool n l wanna get naked take off my trunks ill paddle with my dick"
We just got in a fight with grandma b/c she tried to tell us you didn't go hard.
You kept hiding under tables and grabbing people's legs and shouting SHARK ATTACK.
The night is not complete until I am drnk and speaking to inanimate objects
They pay me enough to pretend to be either helpful, or heterosexual. If they want both I need one hell of a raise.
i feel like a cleansing fire is the only way to purify the house
Remind me to never do anything where hiding something in my butt is the best course of action
Randomize
