She has 2500 facebook friends. I probably should have used a condom.
my mom just called and warned me someone is trying to serve me, i feel like i'm playing an extreme game of hide and go seek these next weeks
the black eye was caused by a 12 year old girl in a vampire costume who punched you in the face after you aggresively screamed "TEAM JACOB!" in her face & howled at the moon...
I only want to screw him when I'm drunk. Problem is I try to be drunk as often as possible
This is absurd. I need a man. Or even a moderately-clean hobo will do at this point.
This chick had a microhand. Fucking, like, jerking off a baby carrot would make it look like corn.
OUR DIABOLICAL SLUT PLAN HATH COMMENCED!
If one of us has to be polite I guess I won't sneak out while he's in the shower
I've got a 90 day supply of amoxicillin in case of zombie or chlamydia outbreak
....she made me stop for like 3 minutes so she could talk to her cat....
The worst part about living in a small town is partying with your pharmacist and then having to buy Plan B from him the next morning.
You guys go ahead and have your romantic night. I'm gonna keep my vday tradition alive of angry banging a stranger.
She gave me a boner for the first time in 9 years.
Not bad. Ran into Carlo. He shared a story about a sailor who got gonorrhea in his eye. It made me feel better about myself.
When she's hammered the amount of alliteration that comes out of her mouth is amazing.
Randomize
