don't thank me. stop putting your penis in foreign objects.
I didn't think her British accent was real until I saw how fucked up her teeth were.
As your boss, I feel obligated to tell you that turning our management meeting into a kegger may just be the best idea you've given me yet.
Family bonfire. I just discovered my cousin drank an entire bottle of champagne at the age of 7. I just got showed up.
Fucking him was like shopping for my first training bra.. Embarrassing yet extremely useful
He took me to the bathroom in the gay bar to "just cuddle." Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me twice...well...
Tell your boss that he's keeping you from eating a fuck sundae off of these 36-24-36 34 D's waiting for you at home on Valentine's Day.
The president of the frat said he was honored to award me "Best Overall Blow Jobs", free admission to all their future parties, and a $20 gift certificate to Denny's. I'm not sure if I feel proud or if that's just the burrito coming back up...
Also, what are the symptoms of syphilis?
I thought turtle was a code word for weed until he pulled out a baby turtle from his pocket and said "$20 for a turtle"
You will go out on a boat of flames filled with honor, sarcasm, and assholery, let me assure you.
I'm wearing a dinosaur hat bikini cone bra over my shirt. So good things are happening
It's gay softball weekend. Lots of hot gay strangers to go home with.
I'm driving home wearing one sock, boxers, and a tee shirt. That's how good it was
Explain to me again why I'm doing the walk of shame if we fucked at my house?
On a scale of 1 to shit show you were "i just pissed myself"
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