Dude, I was completely sober last night, didn't puke on my shoes, went home with an incredibly beautiful girl, wore a condom, and didn't wake up in a puddle of urine this morning.
hah, sarcasm, classic
Please tell me you are a size medium in men's clown onesies and that you forgot them here last night.....
I've never seen the starbucks guy more terrified than when you dove out the car window after your credit card
On 3 separate occasions, she grabbed my bullhorn to announce to the entire party she had fucked me.
Do you know how disconcerting it is to hear the sound a dog makes while it drinks water and find out that it's someone eating you out?
Just got attacked by a family of raccoons, I have the worst luck.
You carried me up the stairs after I told you not to. And what did you tell me? "Let me test my strengths."
Based off of the soaking wet clothes/towels/rugs, Eiffel Tower statue and monkey in the bathtub, I'm going to assume drunk me took a bath.
Are you really alive right now?
Just stepped off the plane in St. Louis. I'm breaking out in hives, I'm allergic to Midwesterners. Can't WAIT to get the fuck out of here.
Why did you fed-x me a peanut butter sandwich?
It seemed like the thing to do. There's popcorn on it too.
STOP smoking sooo much weed. Damn
I want you to get off the plane and get directly into my pants
You took motorboating me in public to a whole new level. You poured your beer down my top and LAPPED IT UP.
I chatted up the pastor's son on Grindr during the service. Still ridiculing my decision to go to church this morning?
must go to store soon wiping with panty liner ugh
He started out in my roommates bed and by the end of the night was in mine, not sure how that went down. But he left happy in the morning.
Randomize