Things he has used as lube on me: olive oil, cologne, purell, spit, tanning oil, and bottled hotel lotion
He needs to save up for some actual ky before my vagina gets an allergic reaction
just paid a stripper to have a minute conversation about the arizona game WTF
Dude, the chicks a procotolgy intern. Don't cheat on her. She knows where it hurts the most.
His roommate left already and took the beer pong table so we had to take off his bedroom door. Maybe res life won't notice.
Well, I tried to shit into my refrigerator. It was a rough night.
Heres a quick tip! When getting black out head from your girlfriend dont come to and say "wait... wheres my girlfriend"
We are in Florida for 3 days. The people in charge of shit brought: a waffle maker, a cheese grater and a SEWING MACHINE
AND NO VODKA
He sent me a snapchat of him singing wrecking ball. Guess what the wrecking ball was. Hint: he literally came.
Just want to apologize again for asking to spot your form in the shower.
Well, if it makes you feel any better I'll be drinking tequila and doing lines on Halloween. Just like old days.
Conversations really do change when your social worker had your dick in her mouth the other night.
Everything isn’t always sunshine & rainbows. Sometimes there’s tequila.
Think i may just have managed the saddest high-five in history. Finished a sudoku and high-fived myself, then looked around for somebody to high five. there was noone. forever alone.
Did I literally just offer a blowjob for help moving? Yes. Yes, I did.
But yeah, I am thinking that "Cake Heresy" will now be a thing
Randomize
