hey, here's something you don't have worry about since you're a girl: finding crusty cum in your bellybutton.
I feel like I've been slapped by Gods icy cold dick of vengeance.
Honestly, your dog is in better hands with that homeless guy.
i'm taking a spore imprint of the mushroom we found growing in our bathroom and sending a picture to ryan. he will then be able to tell if it's trip-worthy
Just served breakfast to a bunch of hella drunk kids. They kidnapped the birthday boy for his 21st and he was wearing a disney onesy and bunny ears. They've been drinking since before dawn, why don't we have friends like that?
There's a girl in the bathroom crying about something having to do with cream cheese.
I always hoped that one day I'd have a sex position named in my honor.
You got into a heated argument about Frankenstein's intelligence while double fisting burritos from taco bell.
You gave me your shirt to use as a napkin every time I spilled beer on myself. Before we went to the bar.
You aren't going to like my movie choice because it's a Disney movie, but I am cordially inviting you to the couch for blowjobs.
Robert just walked in drunk, grabbed my Jameson from me, told me to let him do his thing, and spilled it all over the coffee table. Then he told me to grab a funnel because he was going home.
Running errands with mom, cool. Coming to pleasures with mom for her valentines night, not ever in a million years cool.
That sounds worse than that time you thought out an entire story of how big bird would kill you
In theory, it seemed like it would work.
finals do horrible things to a person. i haven't worn pants since friday
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