We need to find a way to make penises more like hookahs.
I think i just got paid for sex with a hot pocket... and i accepted
the only plus side is that now I'll be able to tell my son not to trust the condoms that his college gives away..........
i signed up to donate 10 dollars a month to help the children that are being displaced in columbia because of the drug wars.. i felt obligated
Just found out my mom's voicemail password is 6969..
I mean, there was frosting being put on a tunafish sandwich. Pretty sure she knew we were high.
Do you think if I puke at the gym they think is because I'm going hard walking on the treadmill?
The bartender just asked me if I owned stock in Jameson. I've been here for less than an hour and he's already judging me.
A sandwich with pizza as the bread. I love you.
YES WITH THE SQUARE KIND OF SLICES
I think anything that happens between 12 and 2 am is just sketchy enough to be a good idea.
Did we do anything stupid last night besides hook up with our ex girlfriends?
The poop emoji wasn't even in my recents. Does that mean I'm growing up?
Omg I just woke up. In the hallway outside my room. I know you had something to do with this
I just passed a lady driving with a cat in a sweater sitting on her lap with its paws on the steering wheel
Only you....
Our fake lesbian relationship is better than her real relationship. Bitch be jealous
Randomize
