I told my rommate that he was pissing on his bed. He said "ok man" and took a step backwards and continued. He then went back to bed.
I have no idea where we are. But it doesn't look dirty so I don't think we are in jersey yet
You remember those guys we called the police on after they stole our keg? Turns out one of them is a student instructor in one of my classes. Figuring out how best to use this information.
Just got physical proof that at 6 am i was running around with raw potatoes threatening to mash them on his floor. Hello, Mobile uploads
literally overdrew my bank account at 3 in the morning to eat subway with 7 sherriffs.
THE MIME IS MIMING TO BUST A MOVE KARAOKE. ALL MIME-RELATED EVENTS DESERVE CAPS LOCK
doing shots of $6 a bottle whiskey and chasing it with milk. my own personal way of saying fuck life.
So looks like I applied to adopt a dog last night. I'm completely ok with this
Made out with a mannequin all morning in cpr training, so im ready to party
I honestly don't think it will ever get topped. Unless a real female cop arrests me, then fucks me. That's it.
Basically she credited me and my dick pic for boosting the moral of all the Safeway workers
Tomorrow's Mother's Day and the only thing I can afford is beer and the McDonalds dollar menu. Do you think a Budweiser and a Big Mac says thank you for me fucking up your life since 1990?
I literally have a pirate chest of slutty clothing.
I woke up with leftover chocolate syrup on my nipples. WTF happened last night??
Please stop calling me a pterodactyl during sex. It only happens when you're drunk, but still.
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