Haha na a cat just ran under your car. Howd that happen?
Probably a woman cat. Doesnt think things through
I can't remember last night. I must have yelled at your girlfriend til she cried again.
Yup.
First coke bust down the road. Spring is finally here.
Mixed review. I fucked her in the river, but then we were assaulted by ducks.
A guy is going to be inside me and I'm gunna start singing "I am stuck on your penis, cause your penis is stuck in meeee!"
Kripsy Kremes at our place, bring your own coffee. And your own donuts because these ones are ours.
This hickey is now green and covers half my neck. I have an alien hickey. I think he thought my neck was dinner.
You had a hat of bras. Probably a good dozen, which is totally impressive for a Thirsty Thursday
Should I be concerned you put your last name in my phone as "danger"?
Hold on... Are we having an intellectual conversation about porn?
Yup
I love us.
In other news I may have fractured my masturbating arm
At least it wasn't your drinking arm
Yes, let me tell you about the time I was forcibly locked in a bathroom when my ex-girlfriend was having a bad shroom trip.
TELL HER ABOUT THE GODDAMNED MOTHERFUCKING POTATOES
I'm pretty sure my calc professer is on coke. He's just too excited for this to be an 8am class.
I learned tonight while in another country that no matter the nationality, men are disappointing in bed
Randomize
